I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
being pregnant is like rehab
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
