I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
