Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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