Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
