We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
