Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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