"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
