One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
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