Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
