i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
