you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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