Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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