I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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