I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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