So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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