I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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