she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
