just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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