I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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