Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
