a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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