My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
