i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
