Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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