Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
