I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
