I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
