hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
