i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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