I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize