I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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