Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
