I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm getting married
To pizza
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
