What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
