I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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