she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
