so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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