Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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