Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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