We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
