We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
