I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
