The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
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