I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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