everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
