She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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