An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
