like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
