Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
