I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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