Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
