She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
