I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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