saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
