I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
