I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
