the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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