Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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